Context: I'm in a weekly huddle, run by the brilliant and beautiful Jo Saxton. Each week I dial in to talk to Jo, Libby, Beccy and TJ about what God is revealed (and what He's asking us to do in response). Last week, Jo posed the question to the group: What is God asking you to die to? And the post below is my response...
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I need to die to...
the need for affirmation from those around me.
I thrive on praise (particularly for my competence), so it's always a treacherous space for me. It's so motivating. It's so affirming. It's so addictive!
When I felt like God was starting to challenge me finding my identity in my work I found myself automatically putting more effort into my volunteer projects - at first I thought it was my way of refocusing my energies. But subconsciously I believe it was because I was getting the affirmation there I'd gotten so used to at the agency. I had this moment at our annual planning day for blood:water mission where I looked around the room at the adoring faces and I felt really ugly. I wondered how much of my motivation for staying up night after night to build the perfect strategy/ presentation was for the good of Africa and how much of it was my pathetic need to impress people. I think it was at least 80/20 good intentions, but I hate that I had mixed motivations.
Last weekend I sat in a coffee shop reading The Enneagram. I don't know if you're familiar with it, but I'm a base 4 (The Need to Be Special) with a 3 Wing (The Need to Succeed). I saw so much of my need for external affirmation in those pages. The 4 feels there's something fundamentally wrong with them. Like they're different (more flawed) than everyone else and at the same time that feeling like an outsider becomes a part of their identity and they embrace it as a need to be special - set apart.
The book talks about about how the 4 (which is the quintessential "artist" type) needs creative expression as a way to exorcise the junk within. I can totally see that in my writing. It's such a transcendent experience for me (when I apply the discipline to sit down and do it) and often I find answers I didn't know I had at the tip of my pen (or it's digital extension).
So when Doug and I were talking about what I should do in response to that kairos, he suggested I really focus on my blog - but create it in such a way that no one can comment on it. No one can praise me for my writing. Or affirm the way they connect with it. And the thought was devastating to me. The uglier part of me thought, "Then how will I know I'm special? How will I know I'm worth anything? If people can't comment, where will my sense of well being come from?"
The monster rears it's ugly head.
I think I need to die to needing "credit," affirmation, outward signs of success. But I'm truthfully terrified that if the voices telling me I'm okay go away I'll completely disappear.
the need for affirmation from those around me.
I thrive on praise (particularly for my competence), so it's always a treacherous space for me. It's so motivating. It's so affirming. It's so addictive!
When I felt like God was starting to challenge me finding my identity in my work I found myself automatically putting more effort into my volunteer projects - at first I thought it was my way of refocusing my energies. But subconsciously I believe it was because I was getting the affirmation there I'd gotten so used to at the agency. I had this moment at our annual planning day for blood:water mission where I looked around the room at the adoring faces and I felt really ugly. I wondered how much of my motivation for staying up night after night to build the perfect strategy/ presentation was for the good of Africa and how much of it was my pathetic need to impress people. I think it was at least 80/20 good intentions, but I hate that I had mixed motivations.
Last weekend I sat in a coffee shop reading The Enneagram. I don't know if you're familiar with it, but I'm a base 4 (The Need to Be Special) with a 3 Wing (The Need to Succeed). I saw so much of my need for external affirmation in those pages. The 4 feels there's something fundamentally wrong with them. Like they're different (more flawed) than everyone else and at the same time that feeling like an outsider becomes a part of their identity and they embrace it as a need to be special - set apart.
The book talks about about how the 4 (which is the quintessential "artist" type) needs creative expression as a way to exorcise the junk within. I can totally see that in my writing. It's such a transcendent experience for me (when I apply the discipline to sit down and do it) and often I find answers I didn't know I had at the tip of my pen (or it's digital extension).
So when Doug and I were talking about what I should do in response to that kairos, he suggested I really focus on my blog - but create it in such a way that no one can comment on it. No one can praise me for my writing. Or affirm the way they connect with it. And the thought was devastating to me. The uglier part of me thought, "Then how will I know I'm special? How will I know I'm worth anything? If people can't comment, where will my sense of well being come from?"
The monster rears it's ugly head.
I think I need to die to needing "credit," affirmation, outward signs of success. But I'm truthfully terrified that if the voices telling me I'm okay go away I'll completely disappear.
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